


Que Sera

by Anonymous



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Strong Language, fears of dying, thoughts of dying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:28:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28278411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: V contemplates life as her own is slipping through her fingers.
Relationships: Female V/River Ward, Johnny Silverhand & Female V
Comments: 8
Kudos: 47
Collections: Anonymous





	Que Sera

V sat down on the edge of the water tower. She'd only just been here the night before with River. Seen the same view already. It was a much nicer view in the dark. Lost a lot of its charm without the city lights glimmering. Then she thought back to what had happened here. Maybe this spot hadn't lost its charm at all, and in fact, it was pretty significant now. Not only to River, but to her now, too. She hadn't taken him for the nervous type. Couldn't even tell her outright that he liked her, speaking in code the whole time to gauge her interest in him. It was sweet. The thought of it soured her mood.

"Christ, V, time's a-wastin', and we don't have much of it to waste. What're you even doing up here? I really don't need anything else reminding me of you fuckin' the cop."

V clenched her eyes shut and took in a deep breath. She'd been starting to like Johnny. He'd grown on her. In more ways than one, she supposed. But she really didn't need his shit right now.

"Maybe I like remembering," V said, as she looked down at River's place. It wasn't the fanciest lot on the block, but it was quaint. There was life here. Kids playing in the streets. Neighbours talking over at the shops down the road. Sure, it still wasn't the safest place around, but it felt more like a home than the city.

She looked up to see Johnny standing at the edge of the tower, staring at her expectantly.

"What is it, kid? Feelin' okay? Another relic malfunction?"

"Just wasn't ready to leave yet, okay?" the frustration was evident in her voice as she looked back out over the city.

Finally, the silence she'd been seeking was granted to her. At least for a few moments. Of course it was too good to be true, though. She knew well enough that silence was too much to ask for when you shared headspace with someone else. Johnny reappeared, sitting right next to her this time. He leaned back, getting comfortable.

"You're not going to leave me alone, are you?" V asked.

"Feelin' mighty impatient these days," Johnny replied, though his usual bite wasn't in it. If V didn't know any better, she might have even detected a hint of concern. "Want to talk about it?"

V huffed out a laugh. She wasn't usually one to be talking about her feelings.

"I'm already in your head anyway. Might as well talk if it'll get us up and moving faster."

V looked out over the edge of the tower towards the ground. Maybe he had a point. If she was going to talk to anyone, may as well be the guy in her head.

"Just pissed is all."

"Sounds about right for you," Johnny said, looking over to her. V looked over to him, unamused. "Question is, what about?"

"Feels like my life's just beginning right as it's fuckin' ending," she said, looking back down at River's house.

"What, because of some cop?"

"Maybe," V said. She shook her head. "You know, after Jackie died, I wished that bullet had taken me too. I felt like I'd lost everything. Lost my clan before him. Then I lost my best friend. I had nothing tying me here anymore. I honestly don't even know what kept me going. That's resilience for you, I guess," she huffed out.

"So, what changed?"

V looked over to him with a sincerity in her she didn't know she was capable of. "I decided to still give a shit. I cared about people, and now people care about me too. Don't know why I had to go and fuckin' do that."

"You talkin' about River?"

"Yeah," she agreed quietly. "But not just him. Judy and I went through some real shit together. Panam's like family to me now. I care about all of them. Now I'm gonna be the one leavin' them behind."

"Not like they don't already know about it. You told all of 'em what's going on in your head. They all chose to stay with you anyway."

"That's not as comforting as you might think it is. You know what's so fucked up about this whole situation?" V asked as she looked over to Johnny.

"What?"

"When I'm with them, I forget about what's goin' on. I forget there's a stupid chip in my head that's killin' me. Everything feels so normal, even if just for a blip. It leaves me wanting for what I can't have. Time. A chance. I don't want to let them go. I don't want to say goodbye. I'm happy when I'm with them. I haven't had anything like that for a while."

Some kids were yelling in the street playing some game. It caught V's attention as she watched them play.

"Shit, V, don't tell me you're gettin' all maternal on me now."

"And what if I was?" V asked, the anger evident in her voice.

"Just didn't take you for the type, is all."

"Hell, maybe I'm not even. I'm basically a merc, for crying out loud. I don't know," V said with a pause. "River was talking about how this isn't the worst place to raise kids. He's good with them too, his niece and nephew. Just got me thinkin' is all."

"Christ, V, you slept with him once and you're already wanting to have his babies?"

"Never said that," V said, staring at him, still angry.

"What then?"

"Think it just planted the idea in my head. Made me think back to a different time when."

Johnny just looked at her expectantly.

"There was this guy in the Bakkers. He was my first kiss. Remember it like it was yesterday. It was in a synth cornfield."

"Oh, here we go."

"You wanted me to talk, didn't you?"

Johnny shut up and nodded.

"When I was still part of a family, young and naive to the world, I used to think I'd like that. Havin' a family of my own. When I was still part of the clan."

"What made you change your mind?"

"Reality kicked me in the balls. Lost everything. Makes you see the worst in the world. Who'd want to bring a kid into this."

Johnny nodded in agreement. Seemed like he agreed with the sentiment. "So, what changed your mind again now?"

V looked down towards River's house and huffed out in frustration. "You'd laugh and yell at me. I could say it's love. Havin' that from someone instills hope in the world. Finally saw some good of it in River. In my friends."

"Yeah, okay. So you could say that, but it seems like you're not sayin' that."

"Truly," she said, looking back at him devoid of emotion, "nothing's really changed at all. Things are still bad as ever. Worse, even."

Johnny sat silently, waiting for her to continue.

"I think I love him," V said quietly. It was an admission even to herself. River had said those words to her already. Right on this spot, in fact. She knew he felt it, but she hadn't even given herself a chance to know if that's what she felt yet or not. Deep down, she figured she already knew anyway, but the truth scared her. "And that's the problem. That's why I needed a minute here before goin' out to face the world again. That's why the thought of kids is making me sad now, whether it's what I want or not. The whole point is that this," she said, gesturing outwardly with her arms to the world in general, "all of this, is not something I get to have anymore. I don't get to make those decisions for myself. Finally meet a guy I could see myself fallin' for. Finally have people I can call my family again. Finally don't think of the world as only bein' like a dumpster fire. And life's a real bitch givin' all this to me now of all times. I'm dyin', and I'm pissed about it." V said, exasperated with it all.

She'd finally said her piece and didn't feel better for it like she'd hoped. She stared back over the city, upset with herself for admitting those things. If she'd kept quiet, she could have at least lived in denial. Not like she'd have to live with it much longer anyway. But now, not only had she admitted it to herself, but Johnny, too. It didn't need to be his business.

A long silence had passed between them, making V look back to where Johnny was sitting. She never would have expected it from him, but he even looked sad as he stared out over the city. Like he might have had some of his own regrets.

"You're talkin' like you've already lost. We've got some strong leads. You're not out of this game yet, kid," he finally said.

V could hear the hint of lifelessness in his voice as he spoke, like he didn't even believe what he was saying. She knew he wasn't convinced, just like she wasn't either. True, she wasn't out of the game yet, but she knew just as well as he did that all of their leads were a longshot by far.

"Guess you're right," she said, with the same lifelessness in her own voice. Johnny looked over at her and nodded like they both knew the lies they were telling each other. "And nothing to be done about it sitting up here, is there?"

"Nope," Johnny agreed.

"Guess we better be goin' then," V said as she got up and brushed herself off.

Johnny didn't follow her, staying sat over the edge of the water tower. It made V turn and look, waiting to see if he had anything else to say. He threw his cigarette butt with a force V would have associated with anger or frustration.

"Guess we better," Johnny agreed before disappearing.

V had no idea what that was all about. He prodded her to talk, but wasn't willing to return the favour apparently. She figured he had plenty of demons of his own their conversation had probably poked. Wasn't her place to make assumptions anyway.

Before she could bring herself to leave, she looked back down to River's home. She remembered how happy she was with him. How alive he made her feel last night. Damn him. Whether she liked it or not, he instilled some kind of hope in her she hadn't asked for.

"Not out of this game just yet," she said under her breath, the slightest hint of a smile forming on her lips. Why not dare to dream?


End file.
